Regulations
by Who really cares about my name
Summary: We of the Gotei 13 hereby issue the following guidelines to any new recruit, unseated officer, or insolent ryoka who wishes to keep all their limbs attached.
1. Regarding the Captains

**AN: Yes, another list of what not to do in Soul Society. Just because. I'll take any suggestions you have!**

NOTE: It has come to the attention of Head Commander Yamamoto that many new recruits are uninformed in the idiosyncrasies of their divisions, and as a result, have unnecessarily angered many of their superiors. Due to the need for patient space in the 4th Division, we of the Gotei 13 hereby issue the following guidelines to any new recruit, unseated officer, or insolent ryoka who wishes to keep all their limbs attached.

**1: Do not cross Captain Unohana.**

Don't. Just don't. There's a _reason_ that she's the only person in Sereitei who can keep Zaraki Kenpachi in line, and you don't want to know what it is.

**2: The former captains of the 3****rd****, 5****th****, and 9****th**** divisions are not to be mentioned within earshot of the divisions' members.**

Lieutenant Kira will sulk, Lieutenant Hisagi will glare, and Lieutenant Hinamori will cry- meaning that Lieutenant Hinamori will unwittingly set an _extremely_ pissed-off Captain Hitsugaya on your trail. We don't really want to detail what will happen after that point.

**3: The name "Kurosaki Ichigo" is not to be mentioned within earshot of the 6****th**** or 11****th**** divisions.**

Captain Kuchiki will contemplate various methods of your slow demise. Captain Zaraki still wants that rematch.

**4: Sake is not to be brought within a 50-meter radius of the 10****th**** division.**

Two simple words: Drunk Matsumoto. (For the male population of Sereitei: YES, THAT IS A BAD THING.)

**5: Energy drinks, coffee, chocolate, and any other forms of caffeine are not to be brought within a 10-kilometer radius of the 11****th**** division.**

Two simpler words: Kusajishi Yachiru.

**6: There are no height-based restrictions in Soul Society. Please refrain from posting "you must be this tall to enter" signs on the captains' meeting room.**

No matter how funny you think it is, the room took hours to defrost- and the throwing stars are still stuck in the wall.

**7: Ayasegawa Yumichaka's looks are not to be insulted. Ever.**

Regardless of the inexplicable sparkles and fabulousness, he's one of the four strongest people in the 11th division. We do NOT look forward to scraping bits of your corpse off the pavement.

**8: Do not- we repeat, do NOT- mention the name "Kisuke Urahara" in front of Captain Kurotsuchi.**

We've all seen the documentation of his little "projects." Unless vivisection's your thing, you'd have a better time with the Soukyoku.

**9: Similarly, do not mention Captain Kurotsuchi's ...treatment… of Lieutenant Kurotsuchi.**

He literally made Nemu from scratch; we suppose he knows how much punishment she can take. Besides, he probably made her soul enjoy that kind of thing, or she would've snapped decades ago.

**10: Do not come between a captain or lieutenant and their hair products.**

The Shinigami Women's Association has been trying to find out what hairspray Captain Zaraki uses for 37 years, without success. Nobody knows why Captain Hitsugaya is so prematurely gray, and it's impossible to get a straight answer out of Captain Byakuya. (We did try; he either stated it was natural or said he used his shikai.)


	2. With Reference to Emulating Human Media

**AN: Yeah, this is one hell of a lot of crossovers; expect them every now and then. Otherwise I'd have to do actual STORIES with all my bizarre associations.**

**Disclaimer: Fan fiction dot net, people. FAN FICTION. It's not rocket science.**

NOTE: Since the last set of rules sent to new recruits, injury rates for all divisions outside the 11th have drastically decreased; however, the brief equilibrium has been damaged by a new threat. Kuchiki Rukia's smuggling of human media into the Gotei 13 has resulted in a string of irrational behaviors emulating the plots therein. Therefore, the following are responses specifically for the perpetrators of various behaviors.

**11: Captain Kyoraku, we will consider your proposal- given that you define the term "miniskirt" and explain the benefits of said clothing in combat situations.**

Unfortunately, Kyoraku's written explanation was intercepted between the 8th division and the 1st. The culprit is unknown, but Lieutenant Ise has been wearing an overly-satisfied smirk ever since the incident.

**12: Lieutenant Kusajishi, beating up Captain Hitsugaya when his ban kai is engaged does not make you a "dragon slayer."**

For reasons beyond the fathoming of any observer, Yachiru then began running around slapping temporary tattoos onto all passing "guild members."

**13: There is no such thing as a demon, vampire, or Nosferatu. We of the Gotei 13 are fully aware of any and all worlds parallel to the human world, and we can guarantee that Gehenna, the demon world, or whatever name you call it does not exist.**

Regardless of official declarations, however, half of Soul Society is still convinced that Zaraki Kenpachi is devil spawn.

**14: The Hollow known as Kyuubey is to be captured immediately and interrogated for the locations of the various Arrancar he has created.**

It was later learned that he had promised to bring Aizen back to Lieutenant Hinamori. All that was known at the time, though, was that the Lieutenant had utterly lost any remaining scraps of sanity and begun referring to modsouls as "puella magi."

**15: The Hollow known as Kikyou should have been purified 500 years ago. The 12****th**** division is hereby banned from Tokyo until her soul can be returned to the human Kagome.**

Ishida Uryu was later observed at the girl's family shrine, swapping archery tips.

**16: The 12****th**** Division is hereby forbidden to create any organism remotely resembling any character from the list of known manga distributed by Lieutenant Kuchiki. **

After several unfortunate explosions and disturbing corpses were discovered, the list was extended to include weapons, clothing, all biological material, and props.

**17: The 12****th**** Division is hereby ordered to destroy any and all weaponized items which are tangible to humans. This includes items masquerading as office supplies.**

Why could Mayuri possibly _need_ that book or those gloves, anyway?

**18: Aizen, we understand that you are "standing alone in Heaven" and currently beyond our reproach or jurisdiction. However, you are blatantly mocking all of Soul Society and the Lieutenant of the 3****rd**** division is becoming suicidal. Please recall the Arrancar known as Rem and Ryuuk immediately.**

Shortly after the reported incident, Captain Hitsugaya and the Vaizard Shinji were deployed in gigais to neutralize the threat.

**19: Shihoin Yoruichi, please refrain from using the "Sexy no jutsu," as you have dubbed your transformation to human form, in public.**

There was a fairly large petition to repeal this order, signed in part by Captain Kyoraku, Lieutenant Hisagi, and the majority of the 11th division.

**20: Kurosaki Ichigo, you are in a unique and disturbing situation and we acknowledge this. We are fully prepared to provide therapy, both mental and physical; we have several officers who have gone through a similar process to yours, if only in the unwilling-hero field. We must ask, though: was the forming of a "Semi-Human/Living Weapon/Inner Monster Support Group" really necessary?**

Kurosaki's written reply was simply, "Yes it is, or they'll all get killed and make freakishly powerful Arrancar. I've got to go help our Retrieval team now, this 15-year-old delinquent just tried to punch out Satan."


	3. On Relations with the 11th Division

**AN: Um, sorry for the mishap earlier. I tried to edit a screwed-up division number and somehow deleted the entire chapter… yeah, I'm really new at this. Also, I'm basically brain-dead after a LONG weekend of trying to navigate Manhattan with a sprained ankle, and the only thing I can remotely tolerate about this chapter is the little additions below each rule. So please, review, because I **_**need**_** suggestions.**

**On to the disclaimer!**

**Disclaimer: Insert witty denial of ownership here.**

* * *

Previously, we of the Gotei 13 stated that injuries outside the 11th Division have decreased drastically. This was a clerical error. Please read the above sentence as, "Injuries _due to_ the 11th Division have _increased_ drastically." In light of the skyrocketing injury rates, we hereby issue the following orders to any living being outside the 11th Division.

**21: Should you come across any member of the 11****th**** Division while in Soul Society, you have the following options: Remain still and pray that you are unnoticed, flee as quickly as possible, or engage in combat. **

Certain officers' ability to "smell fear" later became legend among the other 12 divisions.

**22: Should you come across any member of the 11****th**** Division while in a bar, buy them a keg of sake and flee as they are in mid-chug.**

It's even more effective for those with access to 4th Division tranquilizers.

**23: Should you come across any seated officer of the 11****th**** Division, you may either flee as quickly as possible (not recommended for those who have not trained with Shihoin Yoruichi) or engage in combat (not recommended for those who are not 4****th**** seat of their division and above).**

Shortly after the release of this document, a remarkable improvement was seen in Academy students' shunpo grades.

**24: Should you come across Zaraki Kenpachi, you may either flee as quickly as possible (not recommended for those who have not trained with Shihoin Yoruichi) or engage in combat (not recommended for those who are not suicidal).**

An alternate method- pointing in a random direction and shouting, "Look, is that the orange-haired ryoka?"- is not officially sanctioned, but reported success rates are far higher.

**25: Should you come across Kusajishi Yachiru, you may either ply her with sweets (we recommend keeping a lollipop or two constantly on your person) or curl up and pray for a quick demise.**

Captain Hitsugaya reportedly keeps a large basket of candy directly outside Tenth Division headquarters for those who forget. Oddly enough, it has never been emptied in all the decades he's continued the practice.

**26: Should you come across Ayasegawa Yumichaka, you may compliment his hair (or nose, or skin- anything really) and then flee.**

Unfortunately for several quite good officers of the 8th Division, it has only now been discovered that 5th seat Ayasegawa does _not_ take complements on his eyes.

**27: Should you come across Medarame Ikkaku, wait until he commences his "lucky dance" and then flee. Do not wait for him to finish the dance. Do not speak whatsoever. Just flee.**

If you do not flee while he does the "lucky dance," he considers it an insult. This makes him extremely upset. And in the 11th, "extremely upset" translates to "lemme at 'im so I can tear the bastard's fucking brains out." You have been warned.

**28: Should you come across any member of the 11****th**** Division while in a crowded area, shove the nearest bystander at them and flee in the opposite direction**

The original feud between the 6th and 11th Divisions began when the "nearest bystander" just happened to be Captain Kuchiki.

**29: Should you come across any member of the 11****th**** Division while they are injured and you are tasked to heal them, we recommend using the strongest anesthetic you can obtain to knock them out prior to treatment.**

Alternately, for the most serious of situations (in other words, for Captain Zaraki), sic Captain Unohana on them.

**30: To the 11****th**** Division: If you absolutely must beat a random bystander up, please select a member of your own division. If you begin to feel an urge to kill something, please seek out the nearest Hollow.**

The 11th division is currently petitioning for the opening of a portal into Hueco Mundo on the grounds of being "fuckin' bored! We tore every damn hollow in the human world to bits MONTHS ago!"


End file.
